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Staying In

STAYING IN (second revision)Holding things together all dependsOn hissing sprinklers churning, on the wayThe new-cut grass looks from the street today.In guarded phone calls that we make to...

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Re: Staying In

A very, very nice start. A few picks: "While" in line 7 clangs for me. "Out"? The rest of 7-8 feels tacked on. The octave may be a teense too end-stopped. A little enjambment around line 11 might be...

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Re: Staying In

It's likely that you did this quite intentionally, but I want to make sure:The change of pronoun--from the "we" of the first stanza to the "you" of the second--produces a last line that fairly wallops...

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Re: Staying In

I like it---all!I too, felt the jolt Maryann mentions.... quite effective.I'm ok with the end-stops in the sestet. Since they are intended as a listing, it adds rather than detracts for me.well said,...

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Re: Staying In

Very nice - a peaceful, lazy feeling to it.I like the intro to the sestet, as it allows you to explore the reasons hinted at. Perhaps just rethink "The" at the start of lines 10-14. It's a bit...

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Re: Staying In

Hi Quincy,I really like this - my only confusion is about ends becoming means, whereas the meaning of the octet seems to infer the converse.Or have I lost the plot?cheersAlan

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Re: Staying In

I like this. There's an echo of Cheever here, almost--something sinister on the edges of suburbia. Well-crafted and subtle.

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Re: Staying In

Ive been trying to wrap my head around this one, because I like it. At this moment, Im stuck on worm into your head. For me the word worm has a negative connotation here, as if the narrator is saying...

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Re: Staying In

Well, this is food for thought.Michael:"dries out"--like the laundry or something. It's idiomatic in Oklahoman, at least.As for the rest of the octet, I'll see what I can do, though the nature of your...

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Re: Staying In

The revision does very interesting things to the way I'm reading this poem.The first time around, I tended to read the "we" of the first s. and the "you" of s2 as "suburban dwellers in general," so...

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Re: Staying In

Hi QuincyThere must be something very good about this poem because I wanted to read it three times before setting about to offer any niggles. The only issue I have is with the capital letters to begin...

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Re: Staying In

Maryann,Thanks for the read and the vote of confidence.Paddy,Lose the initial caps? Not a chance!Quincy

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Re: Staying In

QuincyVery nice! This seems something of a departure from your high speed urban zingers. I like the more placid Lehr. He lolls, invites. Is it the prospect of a year in the land where Guiness...

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Re: Staying In

Lance,Thanks for the kind words. As it happens, I wrote this about a year ago and recently pulled it up, dusted it off, and messed with it a bit, so it's not a new, gentler Lehr.Quincy

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Re: Staying In

Quote from youAnd, as in so much else, it all dependsOn phones' staccato rings, or on the wayThe new-cut grass looks from the street today.In glossy magazines or calls to friends,Each blade in place...

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Re: Staying In

Christy,I was born in Oklahoma City but grew up in Norman (just off Pickard south of Lindsey)--my father taught at the University of Oklahoma. Are you in those student apartments on Wadsack across...

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